On procrastination

I am a very lazy individual. Every few months I look back at my life and accomplishments and am utterly horrified how much time have I wasted. I actually procrastinated writing this very sentence for a good 10 minutes. I simply do not understand why am I so averse to work. The only time I ever seem to get stuff done is when I do it to put off some other work I am really suppose to do. I have a book on kernel hacking. I read half of it when I was putting off studying for a biology test. How on earth can I do what I want to do. I am going to experiment with a new system where I have 5 different things I need to do. When I feel distracted I will do one of the other things as a divergence. In this sort of ring I should get all my work done. In reality, I will probably not feel like doing any of the alternatives and will most likely just play some video game.

Drat. I just quickly checked my email. Why can I not even stay focused on the work in front of me. It isn't even that hard. All I am doing is writing out the emotions that are on my mind. If I don't want to do this I can read one of the dozens of books that I own. I could complete any one of my novels in progress. I could complete my lockpicking article. My tasks aren't even all writing. I could do some coding for the robotic soccer project. I could get a start on my natural language processing work. This does not even include all the scholarships and summer programs I am applying for. I have all this stuff to do and I can barely write a coherent article. Am I just creating a self-fufilling prophecy by not distracting myself with some evolutionary psychology or Dostoevsky?

I do not feel any better writing any of this. I am suspecting that the study was bullshit. Perhaps, I am not digging deep into what is really bothering my now. There is this irony that what pains me most I could never say. There is this violent streak in me. I can not explain it, but I am thinking it is based on stress. My mind starts to quicken, and I get all jittery and have to run around. But I am not in a socially acceptable situation where I can do what I need to. Which is run around in large laps screaming at the top of my lungs. Instead I have to sit and hold it in. My arms are shaking and I can't keep them by my sides. To make matters worse I am with my girlfriend. This should provide comfort but all it does is make the situation that much more tense. She wraps her arms around me and then I twitch. My hand smacks across her cheek. Her pale skin now bruised and red. Now she isn't hugging me but staring at me frightened. She can't cry but she doesn't want to seem weak. She knows that my cold stare will not change. It still has not hit me that what I did was wrong. It was me on edge and she had to trigger me. Surely I am insane.