On procrastination

I am a very lazy individual. Every few months I look back at my life and accomplishments and am utterly horrified how much time have I wasted. I actually procrastinated writing this very sentence for a good 10 minutes. I simply do not understand why am I so averse to work. The only time I ever seem to get stuff done is when I do it to put off some other work I am really suppose to do. I have a book on kernel hacking. I read half of it when I was putting off studying for a biology test. How on earth can I do what I want to do. I am going to experiment with a new system where I have 5 different things I need to do. When I feel distracted I will do one of the other things as a divergence. In this sort of ring I should get all my work done. In reality, I will probably not feel like doing any of the alternatives and will most likely just play some video game.

Drat. I just quickly checked my email. Why can I not even stay focused on the work in front of me. It isn't even that hard. All I am doing is writing out the emotions that are on my mind. If I don't want to do this I can read one of the dozens of books that I own. I could complete any one of my novels in progress. I could complete my lockpicking article. My tasks aren't even all writing. I could do some coding for the robotic soccer project. I could get a start on my natural language processing work. This does not even include all the scholarships and summer programs I am applying for. I have all this stuff to do and I can barely write a coherent article. Am I just creating a self-fufilling prophecy by not distracting myself with some evolutionary psychology or Dostoevsky?

I do not feel any better writing any of this. I am suspecting that the study was bullshit. Perhaps, I am not digging deep into what is really bothering my now. There is this irony that what pains me most I could never say. There is this violent streak in me. I can not explain it, but I am thinking it is based on stress. My mind starts to quicken, and I get all jittery and have to run around. But I am not in a socially acceptable situation where I can do what I need to. Which is run around in large laps screaming at the top of my lungs. Instead I have to sit and hold it in. My arms are shaking and I can't keep them by my sides. To make matters worse I am with my girlfriend. This should provide comfort but all it does is make the situation that much more tense. She wraps her arms around me and then I twitch. My hand smacks across her cheek. Her pale skin now bruised and red. Now she isn't hugging me but staring at me frightened. She can't cry but she doesn't want to seem weak. She knows that my cold stare will not change. It still has not hit me that what I did was wrong. It was me on edge and she had to trigger me. Surely I am insane.

On being right

Sometimes I am positive I am correct in whatever I say. I really can not control it. I have a belief and if I do not think it is correct why should I hold it. It is why I am an atheist. It is why I use FreeBSD, and it is why do not vote in this silly 2-party system. I have utter disgust at doing something that goes against what I think. I have confidence in what I think and will gladly repeat what I said if I am asked. This has certainly gotten me in trouble with people that are not very receptive of my ideas. The important thing though is that I am fully aware that my ideas might be wrong. There is certainly a significant probability that I am wrong. I do not know everything. Until we as a human civilization that achieve immortality I will not. There is almost always some fact that I am missing that had I known I would change my opinion. Being open to change is very crucial to understanding and so I am.

Now there is an exception to this rule. I have run into people that are so much interested in having a discussion with me but changing my opinion. Now there is nothing particularlly wrong with this. But they do it with vague quotations and facts that are not true. These are people that suggest reading opinion papers. I do not want to be given an opinion. Give me facts and only facts. I will use these to make up my mind. Give me real facts, lying to me is deception and manipulation. I will never tolerate this from another human being. There are so many ways to sway a person, lying will not be tolerated. This talk of ends justified by means is rationalizing cold human manipulation for ultimately selfish reasons.

When I make decisions it is based on these facts. It is also why I will stay my decisions. If I do not I send a very clear message that I am not certain of what I am thinking. A decision needs to be followed until it is proven incorrect. At this point a new decision needs to be made at precisely the point when the old one is wrong and continue with the new decision. Until the old one is proven wrong you need to persist. Dedication is the only way things done, and it is the only thing that backs the currency of a decision. That is why I have nothing but complete pride in my opinions, if I did not I would be wasting a lot of time now. Call it ego or excessive hubris, but I have a better alternative. Instead of insulting me why don't you show me a reason to change how I think.

First Post

I finally created a blog. I guess that makes me original or something. Unfortunately I have had a blog on journalspace.com for some time. I think in the span of 3 years I entered about 5 entries, most recaps of my life. I am giving this blog a try since I want to experiment with a notion that writing about your inner most thoughts makes you a more healthy individual. Considering I am always keen on experiments this should be fun. Though I am a very busy chap and writing things is not really on my top priority list. Anyway this will do nicely for a introduuctory essay. If things get boring expect excerpts from my 3 novels in progress.